Hello everyone. I like to begin all my essays with a salutation to my readers, it helps me connect with you all. How has your day been? Feel free to answer by talking to your computer screen. I love hearing how you’ve all been doing. I’m just going to assume you’re all having an average day.
As we all know, the international day of love is upon us…
Valentines Day. I just want to make sure we are all on the same page. I feel like I wasn’t making myself clear enough. Moving on. I’m sure many of you are pondering what it is you're going to do for that special someone to really show that you care. Well, why not send them a love letter? Wouldn’t that be a nice change? I know what you’re thinking, “I can’t write a nice love letter.” Fret not my dear follower, for I am here to assure you by saying that you are unquestionably incapable of writing a decent poem. However, find solace in knowing that I hold the panacea to ail your doubts.
They call me a modern day Casanova. “Who?” you ask, all of them. All of them call me that.
Eloquent? Yes. Political prisoner? They haven’t caught me yet. Aha! I make myself laugh. As my track record rings true, I have published several pieces of work dedicated to all my past lovers. All of whom have rejected me. Thus the ways of love, but the hunt persists.
As your designated Casanova for this season of love, I have taken the liberty of writing a generalized love letter that you can personalize yourself by filling in the blanks, and give to your lover for Valentines Day. You’re welcome.
So here it is, just make sure to credit me as the writer or I will sue, but enjoy the writing from you to your lover written by me but they won’t know it’s by me but I will receive full credit or I will sue.
To My Sweet (Insert Name of Lover Here),
While we have only been in each other's lives for (Insert TimeSpan Here), I feel that our love existed long before our meeting one another. It’s funny but, part of me feels that I’ve known you all my (Insert Longer TimeSpan). Oh (Insert Alias of Lover), even when we’re not together you’re constantly on my (Insert Physical Organ). The sheer thought of you is enough to send me (Insert Adjective). Remember what you said to me the other night, you told me (Insert Something Said By Lover) and then you (Insert Animal) while we (Initial here) and then I called your mother and told her (Fabricate Lie Here) and the pasta was great. You make love like a (Insert Verb). I want you to know how special you are to me. Your eyes shine brighter than (Insert Location). I think my favorite thing about you is the way you (Insert what you despise most about your lover here). Your laugh is (Insert the word "music") to my eyes. If only there were a word more powerful than love, perhaps the word (Insert a word synonymous with love and rhymes with orange) would help further the way I feel for you. Everything about (Insert religion) makes me (Insert race) in all the right ways. To quote (Insert a security question), (Answer security question). Thus the ways of love.
I know we’ve had our (Insert Social Security Here) in the past but if we can work through (Insert D.O.B Here) we can work through (Insert desired landmass here). I (Insert Credit Card Information Here). Sometimes I (Insert blood of a virgin here), but yeah pork am I right? I have a surprise for you this Valentines Day. You’ll find out later, but I’ll give you a hint it’s my (Solve the theory of relativity here). I hoped you enjoyed the letter I wrote for you, written by the gifted Valaniece Christina whom has been deemed a modern-day Casanova by all major intellectuals. I was not legally required to say that. Malzatov, babe.
Sincerely (Insert personal interpretation of Fight Club here),