An Embarrassing Scenario That I Acted Out With Myself Whilst Showering

New Years Eve Party, right before midnight. 

Me: Why are you even here?

Guy That I’m Into: I came here, to tell you that I’m sorry. (I’m picturing a Ryan Gosling type guy. Classically handsome with this rugged appeal, but not as attractive as Ryan Gosling because he’s way out of my league. Someone that I could believably be with. Even in my fantasies I’m realistic) 

Me: Sorry for what? What are you sorry for? (I know what he’s sorry for but I can’t let him know that I know, also I’m being overly dramatic as of now)

Guy That I’m Into: What I did was wrong, and I shouldn’t have gone behind your back and told my friend that sometimes I think you have a bit of an attitude. (I couldn’t think of anything else “wrong” for him to do that hurt me. I didn’t want him to cheat because I thought that would be a bit overkill)

Me: Just leave me alone, I want you to go. (This is a lie, I most certainly want him to stay)

Guy That I’m Into: I know that’s not true. (Bingo, but I have to keep the lie going)

Me: Well believe it. 

Guy That I’m Into: I love you. 

Me: (Dramatic pause for me to see the sincerity in his eyes, I will now make the calculated decision to realize he’s sincere but act like I don’t believe it.) Is that another one of your lies?

Guy That I’m Into: No. I love you, and I know you love me too. 

Me: (I do, but I won’t say it yet. I’m consciously timing this conversation to make sure our dramatic make up kiss happens exactly at Midnight. We have another minute to go) I’m with Craig now. (I thought Craig was a lame enough name for an unconvincing rebound boyfriend that the audience will root against) 

Guy That I’m Into: But you don’t love Craig, and Craig will never love you the way I do. 

Me: (At this point, a dramatic single tear will fall from my eye. Also, I should mention that my skin is looking exceptionally well this night. Just so everyone is clear). What do you want? (I know what he wants) 

Guy That I’m Into: I want you, I want you to say that you love me, and I want you to be mine, I want to promise to you that I will never do anything to hurt you ever again. I came here tonight, because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. (I stole that last sentence from the end scene in When Harry Met Sally) I’ll never let go. (Titanic). 

Me: … I… I… (Great, everyone is counting down from 10 right now, I’m just going to fill the time with me stuttering and pretending to find the words so that he can abruptly kiss me)

Guy That I’m Into: (He abruptly kisses me right at Midnight. It's an appropriate kiss. PG.)

(Cue, All the Young Dudes by Mott the Hoople.)

(Cue silver confetti raining down, not sure where this confetti manifested from but regardless, it’s raining down like men.)

(Cue slow motion.)

(At this point we have taken a break from kissing and are now just staring into each others eyes. Eye contact is awkward for me, especially at this distance, so I’m probably starring at his forehead, or hairline or something.)

(For whatever reason, everyone in the party has noticed our emotional embrace and is now applauding our inspiring public display of affection.)

(Craig exits in an angry manner, he would’ve presumably cheated on me at some point so it’s okay. Craig’s a dick.)

(The camera will slowly track backwards.) 

(Fade to black.)


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